| Teaching Cooperation
courtesy of everychildfirst.com Whether they like it or not, children have to learn how to cooperate, and the reality is they probably are not going to like it. Children are very egocentric, they prefer everything to be about them, and it is hard for them to learn to be concerned about the feelings and welfare of others. It doesn’t just happen naturally. Parents are an important source of help in teaching children how to cooperate. You're probably not going to like what I have to say first, because it has nothing to do with your child. Whether we like it or not, "do as I say but not as I do" just doesn't work - sorry, but it's true. You didn't expect your child to walk simply because you told them to, so the same holds true for learning to cooperate - they have to learn it in stages. And where does it begin? From infancy, children take in impressions from everything they experience, and they model what they see. So the foundation of helping children learn to cooperate is to look at how cooperative you are. (Yes, I know, but I told you that you probably wouldn't like my answer!) Take a good hard look at how you treat your spouse, your children and the other people children see you interacting with - do you want them to model your behavior? If not, you might want to take a minute to ponder the meaning of the story in the bible where a man is cautioned to concern himself with the log in his own eye before worrying about the speck in someone else's eye. The reality is that the strategies below will not be nearly as effective if your child's home life is not in keeping with your teachings. OK - moving on now.... Situations: The first step in helping children learn to cooperate is to watch them in situations where they have difficulty cooperating with others (it's always best to start with situations not involving you, if possible). Does she have trouble waiting her turn? Does he jump into games without asking? Is she bossy with other children? Is she always trying to be the winner? Watch and observe carefully, trying to resist the temptation to jump in (unless of course it's a safety issue). Discussions: The second step is to talk to your child about what happened. Wait until later, when everyone is calm, and it can be just the two of you. Ask your child what happened - and be sure to listen to his responses. If the problem was between two siblings, talk with them separately. If you consistently notice problems such as bossing others around or always trying to win, discuss this with your child. Try to get them to imagine how they would feel if others were bossy or always trying to win. Refer to situations where they were on the receiving end of treatment they didn't like. You could point out that other children will enjoy playing with them more if they are less bossy or competitive. Role Play: This step is the secret weapon: give them some make-believe situations and ask them what could be done to resolve them. Try discussing a few scenarios (what do you think someone could do if a friend took their ball? What do you think someone could do if they really wanted to join a football game other children were playing? What could you do if there were 5 children who wanted to play but the board game was only for 4 players? ). Then discuss one specifically geared to their issue. Even better - try role playing it, but switch roles and you be the child and let them be the other characters. OK, I know role play might not be your cup of tea, but remember this is based on how your child thinks and learns, not about you. Be dramatic, and be sure to do everything wrong - so they have a chance to correct you and offer guidance. ("I want to play and they won't let me...Waaaahhh! What can I do "mommy"?) Not only does this defuse the tension (and promote giggling as you get more dramatic!) but it allows children to think about solutions without activating their natural defensiveness - in other words they don't see it as you "bossing them around". As a classroom teacher, I often used this technique with co-workers. If we were having a problem with tattling, for instance, in circle time I might suddenly interrupt to tell the "teacher" about a list of imagined "infractions" the children had done to me that morning. My coworker, after reminding me not to interrupt during circle time, could then turn to the children, ask them how they felt about what I had just done, and ask for their advice on what to say to me. The other wonderful thing about this technique in a classroom is it never singles out one child - everyone hears the groups solutions, including the children having the problem. At home - role play provides a safe reference point you can refer back to - "what did you tell mommy to do when I felt that way too? wow, I was realy upset wasn't I?" Negotiation: Often children have to learn how to be assertive but not aggressive, to make suggestions or negotiate rather than give orders. Beware of the beginnings of bullying! Have children practice making some suggestions with you, and you can suggest some negotiation tactics. Help children come up with negotiating statements and practice them, such as: "I want to play with that too. Can we play with it together?" , "You want to watch this show and I don't. If you watch this show for half an hour, I want to choose what to watch for the next half hour", "That's my ball. You can play with me, but please don't take it", or "You said I can't play because the game already started. Can I play the next game?". If you were concerned about the way they handled a specific problem, teach them options you would find acceptable the next time a similar situation arises. Practice: The final step is encouraging your child to practice these new social skills. Try to set up a situation with you where they can safely practice them. The next time the children are playing, encourage them to try suggestions rather than give orders. If you have a chance to watch your child playing, this would be ideal - then you could see if they try out the new ideas. Obviously, change will not come about immediately. You will need to talk several times about successes and failures as they try out new ways to get along. Keep looking at the situation, have the children pretend what to do, and encourage them to try things out in their play. Remember to focus on what they can try to do next time - neither one of you can change the past. Remember it's a process - and you're looking for progress not perfection! Summary Parents and teachers are essential as children learn how to get along with their friends. They need your help in understanding what works and what doesn’t work. And most importantly, they need your encouragement as they build strong friendships. |
 |
| Notes From Lisa's Workshops |
| Want to know more? Take an online course, attend a workshop in Ocean County, NJ, or book a workshop for your parent or teacher organization! |