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| Helping Children Learn to Be Friends compliments of everychildfirst.com Friends are important to everyone, children and adults alike. They make life more interesting and fun. They are playmates, and they help children feel that they belong. Children who have friends are less lonely and depressed. They are also more likely to feel confident and good about themselves. In long-range terms, we know that when children form healthy friendships, they are more likely to do well in school and grow up to be well-adjusted adults. For these reasons, it is important for adults to help children learn to be a good friend in order to have good friends. Children’s Ideas about Friends As children grow up, their ideas about friends change. As preschoolers, friends are there to play with. While these friendships may not seem very important, they really give children much happiness. In the school-age years, children start to build some clear ideas about friendship. In general, friends are those they play with, talk with, and share with. Friends are people to do things with. They also have some ideas about how to treat friends. Friends are nice to each other, they are helpful, and they protect each other. In the early teen years, these ideas about friendship change further. During this time, young teenagers begin to understand the importance of sharing personal information with friends. They realize that friends are the ones you can share your private feelings and thoughts with, not just those you enjoy being around. How can you help? There are specific skills needed to form healthy friendships. Here are some tips to support your children in developing these skills: Cooperation One of the most important skills in making and being good friends is cooperation. Especially in the school-age years when children spend lots of time playing with each other, it is important for them to learn to get along together. Provide numerous opportunities for children to participate in activities that require them to cooperate with family members or friends: kickball, board games, badminton, go fish and tic tac toe are'nt much fun unless someone else will play with you. Sharing Children need to learn how to take turns and share. Children are more likely to get along with each other when they can be fair. This means learning to wait while others get to do something fun. It can also mean learning to give up a fun activity or a toy so that another child can get a turn. Instead of always providing enough that everyone can have "their own", sometimes set up craft projects where children have to share glue bottles or scissors, or have one container of crackers for everyone to share for a snack, or set up only one toy. Waiting your turn is an essential skill for school, and life - and it's hard to learn in our fast-food culture! Use these activities as discussion starters about how children can work it out so that it's "fair" to everyone. Asking permission Children need to learn how to ask permission to join an activity or to play with something. They also need to learn to accept it if the answer is "no". Often older or more assertive children take over the play of a younger sibling or friend - this is a dangerous habit that can lead to bullying. Children need to understand that when they try to push their way into a game, it is more than likely going to end in an argument. Always remind children to ask to use something that belongs to someone else. Teach them to say "Can I play with you?". Help them practice negotiation skills and making other play choices if the answer is still "no". It's a fact of life that children can not always have what they want, or they may have to wait - a difficult concept in our fast paced society. Suggestions Another common problem among children is that one child will try to boss the other children around. Bossy children are not usually very popular with other children. Encourage children to express their ideas, but show them how to offer suggestions rather than give orders. If a child wants everybody to play a game a certain way, he or she might say, “Why don’t we do it this way?” rather than saying, “Play the game my way.” If they want to play on the swings, and their friend wants to play video games, suggest they try saying "OK, let's play video games for a little while and then can we go outside on the swings?" Problem Solving Like adults, children have disagreements. In playing with each other, they must find ways to solve those disagreements. If a child doesn’t like the way a game is being played or doesn’t think it is fair, he or she can suggest another way. This works better than being bossy or just not playing at all. It is important to help children understand that finding other ways to do something will help change the situation. Have clearly defined guidelines about problem solving choices, such as "Try to talk about it and work it out. If you can't, then ask an adult for help" or "If you're feeling too upset to work it out you can sit on the couch until you're ready, but choosing to hit your brother is not an acceptable choice". Winning. Children sometimes get too competitive. They will turn routine situations into contests and always try to come out first. Children need to be encouraged to have fun in their play with other children. Avoid asking them who is winning or who came in first; ask questions about how much fun it was to play or comment on how well the children worked together as a team. When a child is too competitive, other children won’t want to play with him or her. Provide lots of opportunities for non-competitive play, and stress the importance of team work. Working together on a puzzle, planting a garden, building a blanket fort in the living room, baking cookies - there are lots of things children can do together with their families and friends that encourage them to cooperate, make suggestions and solve problems- all while having a blast! Learning to be a good friend starts in infancy, and continues throughout our entire lives. |
| Notes from Lisa's workshops... |
| Want to learn more? Take an online class, attend an Ocean County, NJ workshop, or book a presentation for your parent or teacher group! |
| This is just an excerpt from one of our courses... take an online course, attend a workshop or book a presentation to learn more! |